I’m quickly approaching one of those milestone birthdays. Normally, I keep the fact it’s coming up low key because it’s not something I want to make a big deal of. This year, I want to keep it unmentioned because I don’t want to look at the number. It has a silver lining though, as I’m pulling a few things into better perspective, turning over memories in my mind, and checking myself for misplaced priorities. It’s the kind of self reflection that brings things into sharper focus.
Although I’ve often found myself treading water in the present, spinning in circles trying to exist in both the past and the future. That’s a recipe for disappointment. A dish I serve myself all too often.
But a strong presence in the present does need a healthy view of the past and a good plan for the future. I want to exist fully in the present, fully comfortable in my own skin. I approached that this year with a few points in a plan. I committed to being more forgiving of those who have hurt me in my past. I am making steps to be more realistic about my life goals, letting myself be honest about what I want and giving myself permission to go for it. I’m honestly still struggling with that one.
I am always looking for more ways to solidify my present presence. A few weeks back I bought a cassette player from Amazon. I had recently come across an old tape that I had recorded a message to a family member with my grandmother. She’s been gone a few years now and I was really looking forward to hearing her voice. When it came in the mail, I popped in a set of charged batteries and rewound the tape to the beginning. Man, remembering when that was cutting edge tech just added to the birthday anxiety. I was pretty quickly disappointed when the crackly audio coming from the tape player wasn’t my childhood voice and my grandma’s. It was a Pacers radio broadcast as they took on the Allen Iverson 76ers. I was pretty obsessed with radio back then. Podcasting was a logical step for me. It was fun to hear that old broadcast but man, I was bummed to not hear the voice I hadn’t heard in over a decade.
I forgive young me for writing over the memory in an attempt to preserve and enjoy something he cared about, not thinking about a trivial birthday message to a family member could one day have been the last way to hear the voice of someone I loved dearly. But I also look to find more ways to preserve memories I have in the moment so myself and others can look to reconnect with moments in the future, whenever the moment is no longer close. Although I’ll look to preserve them on a medium where the rewind button is no longer a thing.
Junction Point 